Godzwilla is dead.

So the blog is over. It was a fun experience but ultimately destroyed itself. The thing is, I really enjoyed doing the blog, but felt censored due to people from real-life, in my person life, knowing it was me writing. I couldn't really say some things knowing everyone was reading.

A new blog will be up soon but under a different account and an alias. No one from my real life will know about it, not because I necessarily have something bad to say, I just want to be able to say it if I need to.

So with that:

Godzwilla versus Japan..

The winner?

The Megamac. I swear to God did you SEE THAT THING?!

Godzilla hits the Q&A Mailbox #1

As you all know, this week initiates my new practice of answering YOUR questions about Japan and Japanese. So I really appreciate all the emails that have come in, with both support and questions, on this new endeavor.

Oh wait, nobody sent any email. I hate you all.

BUT, redemption is not out of your reach. Next week I'd like each of you to think of a question about Japan, and send it in to godzwilla@gmail.com.

...

Seriously? NOBODY had any questions? Not even a "How are you?" I mean, my life isn't all shits 'n giggles, you know. I have a relationship, a school, even an imaginary pet squirrel named Mr. Nutsenburg who causes trouble to no end. Sigh...well, this is ALL going into my fanfic.

I want some emails damnit.

Godzwilla and an ATM from Hell

Note: You'll notice that I now have video and pictures, linked in the top right column of the blog. The videos will be rather frequently updated but pictures will be monthly, as flickr accounts are expensive and I have a space limit. As such, I am expecti....I am OPEN to flickr account donations.

So Japanese money can, at sometimes, be a bit tricky. One dollar is equal to (about) one-hundred yen. A yen is essentially a penny. So if you want to say $40.00, you say 4,000 yen. And 4,000 yen just happens to be the amount of money I wanted from the ATM recently. However, I was immediately attacked by the freaking Hitler of ATMs.

Godzwilla, while awesome though he is, CAN be defeated.

I arrived at the ATM and naturally the line was freaking HUGE. 20 people, literally circling the ATM in a spiral line. After about 20 minutes, I get to the machine. Naturally, it's all in Japanese. "Duh" you may ignorantly reply. But you see, I have found the only ATM in Japan that doesn't offer an English submenu. All ATMs are legally supposed to be bi-lingual now.

I manage to sort my way through the menus and make it to the withdrawal page. It's at this time that the A(dolph)TM decides "Hiz money, much likez da Switzerland, IZ MINEZ" and freezes. I wait, in panic, for 10 minutes at this ATM as the line gets longer behind me. Instead of acknowledging there was a problem, of course, I decided to press the unresponsive screen randomly to keep up the lie that everything was ok. After 5 more minutes, someone in line builds up the courage to speak to me and immediately points out that you have to press "Accept" on the num-pad, not the touch-screen.

"Ah..."

Alright, so we're golden. Sunset's coming up, flowers blooming, etc.. I type in my desired amount of yen, 4000, and away we g-...the hell? Had I not stopped myself, I would have just entered $4,000 as my desired withdrawal.

Well at this point, I'm pissed. The ATM doesn't have English (I'll bet the nazi bastard had German) but when it detected my foreign ATM card, it immediately set everything into dollars. I almost overdrafted my account by $3,900 (I'm poor damnit) and been screwed to the wall. The line was so long that I was literally standing next to the person at the end of the line (it spirals around the ATM) and I'd been there for literally 13 minutes by now. But I NEEDED some cash. I reset everything, went back to the withdrawal page, and entered 40 dollars. Out pops 40 yen (40 cents) and a receipt.

"Oh hell no."

The ATM had decided to, again, screw with me by turning the currency BACK into yen. I had typed in "40 yen" and gotten 40 cents. And you know what? There's a baseline charge of $2.50 to my account for withdrawals here. I just lost $1.10, 15 minutes of my life, and any shred of respect from 20-odd Japanese people. Took my change and left, humiliated.

Could've been worse though, right?.....right?

*sigh*

Godzwilla Doesn't Take a Bath. Problems ensue.

Note: I'm slowly moving away from the "Godzwilla versus ____" template because I feel like using it is restricting the kind of topics I can discuss. Sometimes I'll bring it back if I'm in confrontation with something but don't expect it to be a regular tradition anymore.

Did you know that one of the most prevalent stereotypes about foreigners in Japan is that we smell bad? It's all very complicated and, as this is a stereotype, totally bullshitscular. Bullshitastic, if you will.

It's because we don't take bathes.

In Japan, the bathing ritual is both traditional (like religion) and contradictory (like reli...whoops, almost alienated my religious fans). The typical setup is that the bathwater is drawn at say, around 6pm. The "bath" and "shower" are not one in the same, as the shower is actually separate from the bath tub. Then, following a series of hierarchy and politeness, the first person (typically the Father) will go into the bathroom, shower briefly, and get in the tub. I have no information as to exactly what they do in there but for the sake of educated guessing we'll just assume he's plotting to kill his own family to avoid debt or something else that would never happen.* Then he gets out, takes a longer shower, and lets the next person repeat the process.

So the Japanese are all very clean, right? And we foreigners are naturally dirtier because we only take showers. Thus, we must smell.

Except the Japanese share the same bathwater.

I want you to really soak in the irony here. Enjoy it. It's wonderful. Foreigners smell bad because we don't take bathes in water that has already been bathed in. I mean, where's the flaw in logic here?

I actually don't mind the stereotype so much. Japan's a country and deserves to believe whatever fallicies and BLATANT SLANDER OMG I WILL SO SUE YOU!!!....*cough*. I mean, Japan can believe whatever it wants to. Where's the harm?

My girlfriend is now CRITICIZING me for not using the bathwater. I told her that if she wanted me to take a bath, then Godzwilla requires to be first. It went a bit like this:

GF: "Don't you think it'd be better to take a bath? People wouldn't say you smell."
Godz: "No, they would still say it, except then I could yell back 'I took a bath!' and it'd get really awkward for everyone."
GF: "It's already awkward for everyone because you smell bad."
Godz: "You're only saying that because I don't take a bath. It's irrelevant that I actually do smell bad. Not all of us foreigners smell like I do."
GF: "Nice."
Godz: "I'm not proud of that argument but damnit I'm right."

...Cause damnit, I'm RIGHT.


-------------------------------

Don't forget, starting next week I'll be answering questions from YOU, my (un?)faithful readers. Send any and all questions, comments, annoying penis-enlarging spam emails (I KNOW you're the ones sending it), or complaints to godzwilla@gmail.com

Godzwilla Makes an Announcement

Are you interested in Japan? Do you have questions about life here?

Well good news, because next week I'll be starting my "Questions and Answers" tradition! Each week I'll be answering any and all Japan-related questions. If I don't know the answer I will go out into the country and find it. No, seriously. I mean, probably not. But I'll make something up if I don't know the right answer. Just as good, eh? DON'T JUDGE ME.

*ahem*

Send all Japan-related questions to godzwilla@gmail.com ! Considering I have, MAYBE, 7 readers, you're questions are guaranteed to be picked.

Godzwilla versus A Blind Woman,

Holy crap holy crap holy crap I am so going to hell!

First, you need to understand that Japanese trains are a rough affair. You need to push to get somewhere. Even with my Gaijin aura, Japanese people have their patented "Indifference Shield" that lets them look down and pretend they can't hear you ask to get by.

I mean...ALL day, every day, I have to push through to get off the trains. Everyone does it. We aren't talking, like, a BIG push. It's more like a forceful nudge. Halfway through it, people will start moving on their own. I will typically try a "Sumimasen?" ("Excuse Me?") to get by at first, but it never works. Earlier today I decided against it and just went straight to the push, because the old woman in front of me was already looking down and I assumed she was ignoring me (on purpose). So it's not like I did something wrong, right?

Besides...sortof...pushing an old, blind woman down.

...

I wish I had a joke right now but the image of an old, blind woman trying to get up is haunting me.

My first instinct was to try and help, but someone beat me to it and threw out a "Stupid gaijins ("foreigners", remember?)" remark so I felt that going back was out of the question.


Holy crap I pushed over a blind woman.

Godzwilla versus a Blind Woman?
The winner: Nobody is a winner when a blind person gets pushed down. (But technically, Godzwila won.)

Godzwilla versus Japanese Comedians

We all knew this day would come.

So Japanese comedians are actually quite different than their American counterparts. Our typical image of the comedian is a someone on stage with a mic for 20-30 minutes, telling jokes, maybe a little "character" play. Someone like Steven Colbert has his super-conservative impression, Dane Cook has that "I'm not funny" thing going for him, and Bernie Mac...ok, even I'm not making fun of a dead guy. It's all good.

But our comedians are at least...y'know, funny?

Japanese comedians are on stage for 2-3 minutes and typically have a tired routine they'll do over and over and over. They're not comedians because they literally have a hundred variations on the same joke. That brings me to Edo Harumi.

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=PGiQQ5EmgGo

...So I can't upload the actual video to the blog. Just click a link, it won't kill you. I'd have to code for like...4 minutes to get a video going. Nag nag nag...

Edo Harumi is famous for giving the "thumbs up" gesture and saying "Gooo" ("Good" for the 95% of you that didn't click the link) to the result of hysteric laughter from Japanese people. They think its clever even though I've only been here a month or two and I've seen it 10 or 11 times on tv.

Then, maybe worse, you have Nezumi-senpai. You may actually have heard of him, and if you have, you've heard the truth. He really IS that bad of a singer.

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=3u8QGgQSFiM

In Japan, Nezumi-senpai is what you call a "Singa-Comidia" (Singer-Comedian). His humor, like Weird Al or Jonathon Coulton, comes from his music...and his ridiculous fashion choices. But mostly the music. In the link there you'll see that after the halfway mark, the entire song is the word "Po" over and over again. Popopopopopopo-KILLMEHAVEMERCY-popopopopopopopo...

The humor comes from being surprised at how many Po's he can fit into the song. Even though we've all see his song a few times on tv (with Po-counters...204 Po's total), everyone laughs when he pauses and sings the "unexpected" Po's.

Worse than all of this, it's actually rare to see the comedians do their routines. If you see them on tv, it's likely they are actually just doing guest roles on tv game shows. And yes, tv game shows WILL get their own blog entry, you'd best believe it. But for now, just know that Japanese game shows are essentially 3 contestants and 30 (not an exaggeration) "famous" people. Usually they're comedians. Or famous people with careers in the can. Or, much more likely, each person is a bit of both.

Godzwilla versus Japanese Hacks...*cough*..."Comedians"?
The winner: "Popopopopopopopo-"*gunshot sound*.....Godzwilla, if my dream of actually doing this comes true.

Godzwilla versus Japan's Handicapped

Just as a disclaimer, the blog entry today does not imply I beat up some blind Japanese guy. My "Godzilla versus ____" setup is just a template for topics, but I can see how sometimes this might be taken the wrong way.

Other topics I've had to cancel due to this naming issue are:

1. Godzwilla versus a Bear.
2. Godzwilla versus Japanese Children.
3. Godzwilla versus God (The subject of religion in Japan, of course...not the "Your ass is so smoten" one.)

Infinitely hilarious topics but again, I'd rather not be implying that I've been fighting bears, children, and God...even though you KNOW you would pay to see that. (Note to self: Check God's fighting schedule). But today, my topic is about the Handicapped.

In major cities, millions of yen (or about $5.35) are spent developing equal-opportunity public access. In Nagoya, every sidewalk has a foot-wide yellow line with bumps on it for the blind to walk on. These bumps can tell a person where a train station is, when they are in more crowded areas, and even when to stop for crosswalks. All crosswalk lights are fitted with a high-pitch, deafening screech produced whenever the light change. Clearly, deteriorating these peoples' last good sense is the only way to help them.

For those bound to wheelchairs, the city has provided ramps to every streetcorner and crosswalk, in addition to access of train stations and subways. On board of a train, the first seat to the right is always a "Priority Seat" (easily identified because there's always some dumbass teenager with no handicap texting away on his/her cellphone, oblivious to a man with a cane standing next to her) that is supposed to be reserved for the folks that need seats. Above the seats are a sign of a blind man (he has a stick, thus, he's blind), a pregnant woman, and always, a man in a wheelchair.

I don't mean to be rude, but does the man in a wheelchair really need two seats? I can't imagine how difficult it would be for him to climb out of his chair, pull himself onto the priority seat...and when he gets to his stop, use all of the 10 seconds he is given to get out of the train.

All in all, Japan respects the handicapped but could do with some common sense in how to treat them. I'd like to think I share a special bond with these people, though, because they too know the anxiety that is to ALWAYS be stared at for being different.

Godzwilla versus the Handicapped?
The winner: People in wheelchairs, because they get 2 damn seats on a train. That's 2 more than I'll ever get.

Godzwilla versus the Japanese Diet (Part One)

When you think of Japan's main diet, what comes to mind? Fish? Rice? Sushi? It's true that these are staples of meals for some families. However, what comes to my mind when thinking of Japanese diets?

The megamac.



Yeah. You know what? Let's roll that again just so you don't miss it.




The Megamac is an abomination and represents all that is wrong with Ameri...wait, oh, I'm sorry, did I forget to mention? Megamacs are only found in the healthiest country on Earth...Japan. As you can see, they literally just put two Big Macs. And people eat this. It's common! I see little 130 pound teenage girls wolfing these down.

It's not just these Mega Macs that I'm talking about, either. They will deep fry just about whatever the hell they can. As an American I'd like to say I have an iron stomach for certain things but you do not wrap beef in bacon, deep fry it, then pour mayo on it and serve with optional barbecue dipping sauce. These things are simply not to be done. It's Man Law.

This makes no sense. Japan is ranked as one of the healthiest countries on Earth, but I have never seen such blatant...fast-foodery! Ultimately, the answer here comes down not to diet, but to excercise. Most people here don't drive. Gas is significantly more expensive and the country's road systems are simply not designed for heavy traffic. People here rely on trains and their feet. Since most train stations are placed as far away from any useful dropoff point as possible, you should always be prepared to start hoofin' it.

Godzwilla versus the Japanese Diet?
The winner: The Japanese Diet, because when you see two Big Macs put together, you know you've lost.

Godzwilla versus Racism

I apologize to all of my fan(s) about my last entry on Staring. I didn't effectively describe "why" people stare in Japan, and I'd like to discuss that now. It's a bit of a historical post/entry today, but I promise it won't be (entirely) boring.

Japan was limited to almost zero commerce or interaction between itself and other countries until around 1854 when U.S. Commodore Perry metaphorically wedged open the country to enter trade with the US.

Perry later went on to describe this endeavor as such:

"The country was a beauty my eyes had never witnessed before. It's lush hills were balanced by a serene feeling as cloud and land combined in the clearest of lakes...and did you SEE how I totally kicked that country's ass? Oh my God they were all like "No you can't come in" but I was all HELL no, biyotches, Commodore-the man-Perry gets what he wants and he wants some SAKE. You'd have to like, drop 2 a-bombs on this country to be as douchey as me."

I'm sure I read that somewhere. And frankly if you're willing to look up his biography just to prove me wrong you've got too much freetime as it is. Get a hobby, jeez. Ass. And yes, Perry knew what a-bombs were 100 years before they were invented. It's all in that biography.

...

So anyway, Japan was highly homogeneous until a relatively short time ago. Even today, more than 99% of the population is Japanese in both nationality and ethnicity. The other 1% is mostly other Asian ethnicities, with a very small fraction of that being white people. And God help you if you're black. So naturally, it's not common to see a white/black person, even in major cities. Plus, all Japanese people assume that all white/black foreigners are American and are therefore either cool but scary/different (for young people) or the devil, come back to finish what he started with Hiroshima (more of the Old person's attitude). People will part like the red sea to Moses for us foreigners/gaijin. Nobody sits next to us on highly packed trains. And as I've already explained, they fucking stare a lot. It's not that we are disliked (although as I've said...that's not ALWAYS the case), we are just very different and are treated accordingly.

To illustrate this, here's a story, of a lovely racist...A few days ago I went out with some friends (all Japanese) to a local cafe. Those that were there already were my girlfriend, two of her friends, and myself. Before the rest of the group arrived, an older man from a close-by table started grunted loudly. At first I assumed he was choking and in true Japanese manners, pretended like I couldn't hear it. Pretty soon, though, he was shouting some (hilarious) obscenities towards my group and it was clear he was a tad drunk. My Japanese isn't great but "Cocky whiteboy" was one of the more...understood...comments. One of the members of the group, Yuki, began translating to the dismay of the other girls. It quickly turned into him shouting anti-US comments. Suffice to say...have you ever heard one of those generic anti-American rants from some middle-eastern country? "Death to America", and so on?

They've got nothing on this guy.

He acted like *I* personally dropped the A-bombs on Japan. Then, in what was the best example of irony...well, ever...he called Americans racist. Let me back that up and let you in on this. An old Japanese man was shouting at me for being white, then after assuming I was from the US (he had no evidence of this), he made a generalization about the entire citizenry...and said we are all racists. Don't forget, however, he is shouting all of this in an eating area with dozens of other people around. Instead of calling the manager (like we should have done)...we waited for him to get cocky enough to walk over.

I am not a tough dude. While I'm average weight and 6'0, I have never been in a fight. So suffice to say, I believe this hardass old dude could have taken me. But you need to remember, foreigners are somewhat feared. So when he got the courage/blood-alcohol percentage to waltz over and shout at my face, I did what any polite foreigner would do. I pushed my chair back dramatically, and slowly stood up to my full height.

Math time! Who is more intimidating...scary, 5'4 Japanese dude, or 6'0 "American" holding chopsticks...to the average Japanese person?

Quickly after he left with a "Sumimasen" (Excuse me) and we finished our meal. Who says Japan isn't tolerant?

Godzwilla versus Racism?
The winner: Probably Racism. But...

Godzwilla versus old racist dude?
The winner: Godzwilla.

Godzwilla versus Staring

People in Japan will stare at foreigners. There is simply no way around this fact.

Of course this really only applies to non-asian foreigners. I've met several Chinese folks here who blend in like...Japaninjas...or something. Until they're forced to talk, nobody can see through their disguise. But for the rest of us, typically the white or black male, it's practically a Japanese past-time to stare at us. This isn't because they dislike us (well...it isn't ALWAYS because they dislike us), it's just that when you see a thousand Japanese people, then a person with white skin and blonde hair, it's a natural reaction to turn and take another look. In fact, I'm fine with this.

But that's not where it ends. People will stare at you as if their freaking life depends on it. They'll take the common double-turn...then turn and stare a third time. But they will suck that third stare dry for as long as they can. Of course, a quick reverse-stare at them will cut this out momentarily, but their prying eyes will be back in no time. These people see us foreigners as a free show, not to be passed up. It's the worst on trains. To be me on a train is a dangerous game, and here's why: We're in a train, and all these old people are around me who haven't seen a foreigner in probably 20 minutes (God forbid), and they are all very bored. It's a recipe for social disaster. In my first week here I was so fed up with the staring that in one of the morning trains, after a 5 minute silence with an old man next to me just glaring, I turned and gave him the classic Meet the Parents "I'm watchin you" hand gesture. He immediately got off as soon as we arrived at the next station. I felt terrible later but hey, he's a big boy and he'll learn.

Godzwilla versus Staring?
The winner: Staring, because it will NEVER stop.

Godzwilla versus the Toilets

Let me explain how the Japanese toilet works. Commence shuddering in 10...9...8...

There are three main types of toilets here. One, you have the ever-popular "squatter". It's like a miniature urinal on its back, as a hole in the ground. No seats, just squatting. I have yet to try this design so I can't speak from experience, but I can say it looks uncomfortable.

...7...6.....5....4...

Next, you've got what most people have in their homes, the General Seater. Exactly the same as in the US, all rules apply. Some have a sink for washing your hands built into the top but I have no issue with this.

...3....2...

This all brings me to the last type...the Bidet design. While in appearance this resembles a normal toilet, at the push of a button a small protrusion appears inside the bowl that sprays your glory hole (and not the good kind) until it's clean. As a foreigner ("gaijin") I was not experienced with this particular design. When I arrived in my Tokyo hotel, the first thing I did was look down at the toilet and wonder what this big red button was for. "To flush, of course," I mistakenly claimed.

...1.

Ever been sprayed in the face with toilet water? Not sprayed like a can of Febreeze, I'm talking asshole-cleaning power here. This was an aquatic, toilet-tasting Kamahama~! to the face. I lunged back, slammed my soaking head into the wall, and fell out of the bathroom onto my open suitcase. My Japanese girlfriend of one year, perfectly fluent in English, walked over and without missing a beat, said, "That was for Hiroshima." Had I not been toilet-water raped moments ago, I probably would have laughed.

I thought this was the end of my toiletry fiascos, but oh no! There's more!

In Japan, people steal toilet paper. Frequently. It's literally a huge issue for public restrooms. Because of this, most public restrooms in train stations have since stopped supplying toilet paper. When I walk into a bathroom, however, my first objective is not to check the toilet paper quantity. No, I'm a business type. Get in, get it out, and get me out. So imagine by deep surprise when, after "Completing the Deal", I notice...there's no toilet paper. It's not an empty roll, it's just not there. I wait until the room is silent, rush over to the next stall, and make the same realization.

"Oh Crap."

I eventually built up the courage to text my girlfriend ("That was for Hiroshima.") who was waiting outside to go and buy some toilet paper and toss it in for me.

Godzwilla versus the Toilets?
Winner: Toilets.

Godzwilla vs. Japan

I've recently arrived in Japan, and as such I am legally binded to create a blog about my experience(s). It's the law here. I will be living here for the next year.

So I gave a considerable amount of thought to the different ways I could make this blog work. I could give insightful social commentary, but I am neither insightful nor particularly social. That left the option of "I hate living in Japan", but to be honest, Japan is a pretty cool place.

Ultimately I decided against all traditional blog motifs and have arrived at "Godzwilla", an infinitely clever pun of my name...WiLL...and the lesser celebrity, Godzilla. Get it? "GodzWiLLa?" Oh yes, your sides are splitting.*

Godzwilla versus Japan?
Winner: We'll see.






*Godzwilla is not a practicing physician and any or all side splitting medical emergencies should be inspected by a licensed doctor. Godzwilla(tm) does not assume any responsibility for the deaths of anyone who have expired due to the sheer brilliant hilarity of my blog's name.